12.10.2004

From Our "Warning: Sarcasm Ahead" File...
Wal–Mart Announces Massive Rollback On Employee Wages The Onion (12.04)
Remember kids: the Onion is not a real paper: it's humor...

Scott then turned to a large projection screen on which the company's trademark yellow happy face whizzed through the aisles of a Wal-Mart, enthusiastically "slashing" the hourly wages of employees all over the store.

"Paying $7.75 an hour for a Class-2 cashier with fewer than two years' experience?" a cheery narrator asked in amused disbelief. "How about $6.50? And $8.45 an hour for a dockworker to unload boxes of bath towels all day? We think $6.75 sounds more like it!"

[snip]

The beaming smiley-face then placed a sign reading "Help Wanted—$5.15/Hour" in a window and welcomed in a long line of smiling job applicants bearing brand-new high-school diplomas, military discharge papers, and green cards.

"Wal–Mart is the place to find the latest of everything!" the narrator said. "The benefits of having long-time employees around don't add up to the benefits we have to pay them. It's time for newer, fresher, cheaper faces!"

It would be funny if it weren't so true...

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